How to cope when your child favours one parent over another

At age 2, many children are developing strong preferences for certain clothing, food, toys, and yes, people. In a two-parent home, almost every child will favor one parent over the other at some point. It can also happen with other primary caregivers that your child sees regularly, like a grandparent, teacher, or child care provider. Even though this favoritism is common, expected, and developmentally appropriate, it can still be pretty painful. 

Children’s preferences are often fickle and fleeting, but sometimes they last, even for months: Perhaps your child wants only one member of the family to put them to bed or will only listen when a particular person reads to them. When this happens, it’s natural to believe they feel safer with one parent than the other—or even likes them more—but research doesn’t support that. They may go to whichever caregiver is with them the most if they’re upset, but their preferences aren’t always predictable. 

As difficult as feeling rejected can be, being the preferred parent also has its challenges. You may feel overwhelmed while also worrying about your partner’s hurt feelings. No matter which side you find yourself on, trust that favoritism is a phase that will pass.

Here’s how to handle parental favoritism:

Try not to take it personally 

This is tricky: Rejection hurts and does feel personal, even though it almost always isn’t. In fact, it’s a sign that your child feels secure enough in their relationship with you—they know you’ll still love and care for them no matter what. Parenting is a long game. Their preference may shift over time, but their relationships will always be a source of comfort if they feel they can rely on you and their other caregivers.

It may be tempting to say, “That really hurt my feelings,” and walk out of the room when your child screams for your partner instead of you. But your 2-year-old isn’t ready to truly empathize yet and doesn’t understand that their words and actions can hurt others deeply. Controlling their own emotions is already a huge task for them—burdening them with yours is too much. If letting them know they hurt you feels important, a simple “That didn’t feel good to me” will do. 

Don’t put the emotional burden on your child 

We know, being spurned stings. The truth is, a 2-year-old isn’t ready to truly empathize yet, and doesn’t understand that their words and actions can hurt us so deeply. Saying “That really hurt my feelings” and walking out of the room can be tempting when your child screams for your partner instead of you. Try to remember that understanding and controlling their own emotions is already a huge task for them—burdening them with yours is too much. 

If letting them know they hurt you feels important, a simple “That didn’t feel good to me” will do. Regardless of what you say or do, try to remain calm, present, and unruffled. 

Validate, empathize, and reassure

When your child is upset because they want someone else, let them know you understand what they’re feeling, as hard as that may be. “I know you wanted Grandma to sit with you, and it’s hard for you that she can’t. She’ll be back later. Do you want to draw a picture for Grandma as we wait?” 

Know when to compromise 

Drawing boundaries and setting firm limits can be helpful, but there are times when acquiescing just a little can release tension and help everyone move forward. 

If your child is really struggling with a routine—like bedtime—with one parent, consider doing a part of it together. This lets your child know that you and your partner are a team: “I’m going to help you get pjs on and brush your teeth, and then Daddy and I will sing your songs together.” 

It’s easy to assume that “giving in” creates bad habits, but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes making your child feel safe and heard in the moment is the priority. Difficult transitions aren’t always the best times to work on boundaries.

Schedule one-on-one time with each parent

One-on-one time, when possible, is good for everyone involved. If your child only wants to spend time with you, try deliberately setting up special time with your partner: “I’m going to the store for a while, so you and Papa can spend some special time together. I’ve set out some of your favorite books for you to read.”

Be patient

This behavior will change, stop, start again, and take on different forms as your child grows. For now, patience and understanding are the best ways to weather the storm—even when your child’s behavior stings. Remember, it won’t always be this way ❤️

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Learn more about the research 

Brown, G. L., Mangelsdorf, S. C., Neff, C., Shigeto, A., Aytuglu, A., & Thomas, C. R. (2022). Infant attachment configurations with mothers and fathers: Implications for triadic interaction quality and children’s parental preferences. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 58, 155-164.

Umemura, T., Jacobvitz, D., Messina, S., & Hazen, N. (2013). Do toddlers prefer the primary caregiver or the parent with whom they feel more secure? The role of toddler emotion. Infant behavior & development, 36(1), 102–114. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2012.10.003